I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
