you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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