So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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