well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You pole danced in your parka.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
