Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
