Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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