I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
