pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
