The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
