I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
the condom got lost in my hair
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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