Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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