I should be sponsored by Trojan
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
