There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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