People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
