he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
