i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
