Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
