Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
