You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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