That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
