apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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