Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
