she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I wear drunk well.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
