just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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