it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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