i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
