I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
