david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
