onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
