oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
