You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
