i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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