Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
