I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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