btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
