i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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