i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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