Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I can text with my tongue
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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