Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Text me some of your sweat
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
