Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
