There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
