While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
