Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
