Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
