The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
