I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize
