He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
