By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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