I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I cockslap morals
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
