I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
